Stockholm Syndrome: Usagi Tsukino
by NeoMiniTails
Summary: Luna tells Usagi to keep a diary.


It must be like Stockholm Syndrome, I'm sure. The reason that I keep coming, keep fighting, the very reason why I am who I am. It had to be like that.

Luna says that I should keep a diary.. I honestly don't know why. I'm afraid that even as I write this that I may be tantalising my memories of long ago with recent days. I cannot be sure to trust that either Serenity or Usagi can be writing in this journal.

Fear has kept me afraid of living like this. It's taken hold of me, crooned me into it's corner, and it laughed when Luna suggested to keep finding reasons to live. I am Usagi Tsukino; I want to make that clear. Mama's name is Ikuko and Papa is Kenji. I love them, and I love me.

Up until recently, I'd been your average third year junior student with bad grades. People made fun of me for having a pun for a name or the odango styled buns on my head, and I was okay with that. I've always had friends who'd make it easier to make it through the day with a joke or two, gossiping about the cute boy next door, or talking about video games that I knew I couldn't afford.

I'm Usagi Tsukino, the pretty maiden whose usually caught sleeping in class and often staying late after school because of it. I can't say I like doing those things, but I keep doing it, keep trying to change - but it's my normal and anyone who knows me, I like "my normal."

The day that I became Sailor Moon, I didn't realize how much of my normal I'd be losing. Sure, I had hoped it was only a dream, but a small part of me relished in the idea that I could be a hero like Sailor V; it took awhile, but with every battle, I felt myself changing. I was becoming stronger, more aware, a fighter, but all the while... I felt like that "relishing feeling" was fading away. Even so, I made new friends rather quickly: Ami-chan, Rei-chan, then eventually Mako-chan. You should see them in battle! They're amazing; they'd clearly blow me away in a fight.

They're all so different, and yet we're all the same. Ami-chan's sweet and super duper smart(!)(she totally deserves an exclamation point for that! Proves how smart she is), and Rei-chan is a bit sarcastic but so mysterious (REALLY HOT TOO, like seriously!), and Mako-chan is like the big sister no one knew they ever really wanted until meeting the awesomeness (not sure if that's the right Hiragana (or should it be kanji) used here... I should really ask Ami-chan) that is Mako-chan.

Ami-chan helps me out all the time. I don't think she knows how much... she's smart but still really sad. I can see it in her eyes sometimes, but I figure that's not something she would want to talk about. In school, no one really talks to her. I wish they did.. they'd be surprised by how kind and sweet she is.

Oh! I should probably write this down before I forget it, but I was looking through her mobile phone and she has a smart phone. I shouldn't be surprised, seeing as her mother is a very special doctor, and they live in a huge condominium. But anyways, that wasn't the big deal. The big deal was that I was looking through her music and found out that she more songs of NWA, Tupac, Ice Cube, and other American rappers of the 90s than anything else... at first, I totally doubted it.

I really did. I didn't go through preconceptions about her... though I did highly doubt her mother was listening to that kind of music though they were speaking in English to one another. (I have a feeling it was because I'm bad in the language...)

Anyways, after what seemed like an intense argument from mother to daughter, Ami put her headphones on... and I think she started singing to the song. It was so strange seeing her with her soft exterior, trying to get rough like the guys on the song. She put it on for me after her mother left... and just smiled as she continued on with her work.

It was like I was in that manga: "Ghost Stories." I was kinda creeped out by the angry man in the background and Ami's sweet smile. When I asked her why she likes the song so much, she just tapped her pen on her chin and smirked. It was so strange and cute that I nearly laughed.

Her answer, though, was get this: "It just speaks to me." She told me that she didn't listen to Pop music when she was upset. She needed something that expressed her anger because unlike me, she has to pretend everything is okay when she gets home to her mother.

With a smile, she explained further, saying: " My favourite lines in this song would be: 'Off yo ass, that's how I'm going out for the punk motherfuckers that's showing out, niggas start to mumble, they wanna rumble." Of course, she said it in English so I didn't understand a single word of it.

I asked her what it meant and she said: "Many times, rival gang members talk a lot of trash about us like they want to fight or something. Really, they are all punks. That's why they don't speak clearly to our faces, but they feel the need to go around talking behind our backs."

Honestly, I still don't get how she connects to the song, but I'll keep it here to figure it out for another time. Maybe. procrastination... will leave for vacation one of these days.

Ami's such an interesting girl, I'll say. She really is.

It made me wonder about all the things that I don't know about the other girls. Rei-chan is so quiet and mysterious; she doesn't say much - the only thing I know about her is that she goes to a wealthy Catholic School despite not being Catholic. That's a mystery in itself. Her grandfather is a silly old man who acts nothing like his granddaughter... they have an interesting dynamic.

Mako-chan is like an open-book, always cooking, always smiling, and so strong. Still, I wonder... what kind of interesting things will I learn about her and Rei-chan?

The three of them have made being Sailor Moon much easier. They look to me, trust in me, but I'm afraid that I'll let them down especially now that Minako-chan is here. She's so much stronger, braver, and a much better leader than I ever would've been.

If I'm honest, I'm sorry... I can't contain all my feelings and heart on this paper, but I want to try. I want to talk about Mamo-chan, but every thought leads to tears... tears that remind me that becoming Sailor Moon had to be the worst and best thing for me. I've met so many wonderful people. They believe in me for me. They love me. They see me for what I can be and help me to improve.

But I hate fighting. I hate that I'm scared of losing all my precious friends. I'm scared more than anything, and if I'm... unsure what to do.

I'm sure this entry is a drivel of thoughts - none that are cohesive, but I'm sorry I can't be honest. My heart is a kaleidoscope.

I've suffered in the name of the moon. I have punished those who fight against the light. And I have people who believe in me, who trust in me, and because of that, I can't and won't run away.

This life has become a symptom of Stockholm Syndrome. I empathize with those who hold my heart captive, and I'm okay with that. Soon enough, this life too will become my norm.


End file.
